


Pick your poison

by PseftisIncertus



Category: Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Soulmates, Tumblr Prompt, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-24 10:57:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20357341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseftisIncertus/pseuds/PseftisIncertus
Summary: They live in a world where everything is black and white until you touch your soulmate.They've been together for years, nothing has changed.





	Pick your poison

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by Apollo to Icarus by Nikita Gill and a tumblr prompt, I'm sorry it was just a screenshot so I'm not sure who to credit but if you guys know please tell me 
> 
> Spoilers for Chapter 27 of the manga
> 
> Also, if you guys aren't familiar with the story of Icarus and the Sun, and the god Apollo. See end notes :)
> 
> Enjoy

**Apollo To Icarus**

_Seeing you come to me should be catharsis  
But instead it takes on the color of murder_

_It is because you are the mortal one between us.  
More beautiful in your emotion, easier to kill,_

_All that energy inside you as quickly perishable  
As the entire lifespan of a butterfly. _

_Maybe this was why I wanted you,  
I had grown cold with the responsibility of the sun._

_Destruction was not what I intended for you  
But this is what happens to all who follow in my wake._

_Ask the sunflower who she used to be, She will tell you  
She was the mortal who fell in love with me._

_This was the difference between ichor and iron.  
The universe made you closer to itself than us._

_The water will take better care of you than me,  
Let me melt your wings, you belong to the sea._

_Now a stillness neither of us knew before.  
Now a softness no one can answer for._

Nikita Gill

* * *

Blood was dripping on the floor, muffled noises in the small apartment can be heard then a sound of scissors dropped. There was excruciating pain on Akihiko's eyes. He was getting dizzy and was frantically grabbing anything to stop the bleeding. He was crawling, he tries to wipe away the blood, the agony was taking a toll on him. Despite his haze of suffering he heard footsteps approaching.

*

**1 week ago**

"Ugetsu!"

I can hear him running towards me, breathless as he continued screaming my name. I refuse to look back, I refuse to give him the attention he wants because I'm petty and he knew that. I continued walking with head held high, I promised myself this is how I would receive my demise, with all my dignity intact and not a single tear shed. It was only a matter of minutes before he would catch up to me.

_Run_

My mind said. I smiled mockingly, one thing I never did was run away from Akihiko. Even if his fists lands on my face, I never ran away. So even if he held my hand and forced me to stop, I didn't run.

He was catching his breath and I didn't wait for him to start talking

"If I stop, aren't you gonna break up with me?"

I spat the words as if they were vomit, leaving a bitter taste on my mouth. I complimented his drumming skills, that's all he wanted right? To be recognized, hoping he'd leave, hoping he won't say anything else and we'd be back waiting on who would eventually push back and come home. But then he said something stupid, something like loving the violin and the drums, his feelings were not lies.

I felt confident then, maybe he won't leave me after all.

"What're you saying, weren't you gonna break up with me?"

"That's right."

My heart felt heavy. I wanted to punch him, I wanted to turn around and demand for something better. How he said it is so much like him but it belittles everything I have been feeling inside. All the anger, the disappointment and desperation, the hope that maybe I was wrong was destroyed by two cheap words.

_That's right_

I felt like one of his cheap whores, those he service so he could have a place to stay. Those words were simple, they were the kind of words you use for a simple dismissal but Me and Akihiko were a lot of things but never simple. 

Then he apologized, told me he was sorry for all the pain he had caused me. I wanted to spit on his face, there was one truth in our relationship and this was it, That we love each other with our eyes wide open, choosing to take every step of the way. The pain was just collateral damage because we love like madmen, possessive and destructive. We love with our fists and legs, we built castles in each other out of splintered spine and blood. We took crowns made of bones and placed it on each other's head. We loved each other honestly, truthfully, aware of the damage we leave in our tracks. 

But I knew a goodbye once it was said so I allowed myself a minute to be honest.

"I'm cheering for you. If you understand, you can let go now."

And he did. The warmth I felt as he held my hand was gone, the footsteps that was once running towards me was now taking the opposite direction, the wind blew and it was silent. His actions did not register in my clouded mind and broken heart so I looked back one more time and the tears that I was desperate to hold back, fell. His back was towards me and he was leaving, our surroundings were dark and the only thing that brightly shone was the streetlights.

I wanted to run and take everything I said back but the image I saw was catastrophic, it was everything I hated in one picture. Akihiko's back, the streetlights that resembled the sun and the image was disturbingly black and white.

*

I turned my back to him as soon as I said what I had to. I took every step away as if rocks were dragging me back down. I refuse the urge to look back, I refuse to see him because I know my resolve would crush the minute I saw him crying. I know he would look back at me as soon as I let go, it's the same way I know that he would never beg me to come back, that was just how we were.

The streetlights were brightly shining, oblivious to what just happened. As if mocking me that nothing has changed in the grand scheme of things even if I feel as if the whole world has fallen apart. I could trip and fall, break every bone in my body and world will continue to spin, it has always been that egocentric.

The colors were so vibrant even at night. I never got used to it. The electrical posts were grey, the trash cans were blue, apartment walls colored in brown, white and a bit of red. It never ceases to overwhelm me, the science behind these colors, the simple reality in our world. Everyone was born with monochromacy, our vision was reduced to blacks, whites and greys. But once you meet your soulmate, everything changes, the rods and cones in the eyes will work differently and you will see all the colors in its glory. There is a whole science behind it but I wasn't interested in digging deeper, all that mattered was I finally met my soulmate.

It was just like any other day, me and Ugetsu prepared to leave our flat and head out to the university. We went to our separate classes and I sat on my usual seat. Haruki and I weren't close then but all I remembered was as soon as he took the papers from my hand, our skin brushed, a second longer than it should. He blushed as he always did, it was cute until my eyes started to itch. It went on until the end of classes, by then I was rubbing it furiously and my head started to ache. Ugetsu got me home and it felt as if my eyes were burning and all I remember was heading to the bathroom as soon as I can, I could hear his frantic calls behind me but I was more preoccupied on looking for medicine to subside the pain, it was excruciating until it stopped altogether. I opened my eyes and everything I saw was different. My hands wasn't white as it has always been, I was seeing different shades of colors I've never seen before and I was so stunned until the reality hit me, I've met my soulmate. 

My head was a mess, the colors were overwhelming, I couldn't fully comprehend what was happening. I've seen this play out a hundred times in series and movies, I never knew it would feel staggering, the idea you see the world differently and the realization you have found the one the world designed for you. Everything was too much until I heard Ugetsu calling for me.

"Aki, are you alright?"

It felt as if it's the first time I saw him again. He was more beautiful in color than in his usual black and white. I don't know the difference in colors then but as soon as I did, I can picture him perfectly, dark brown hair, wavy and unkept, pale milky skin, and light brown eyes. He came to me kneeling, asking me if I was alright, he was the most beautiful I have ever seen.

My emotions were getting the best of me, so I gave in. I tackled him and kissed him, wild and passionate, I tore his clothes and press my lips in everywhere I could reach, I wanted to see him, I wanted to burn everything I see in my memory, touch him and look at him, claim everything I can. I knew this body better than mine, so I held him, touched him the way he desperately craves, he moans my name as a reward. I made love to him until the only sound in the room were cries of pleasure and my name cried repeatedly. I wanted him to scream, to drown the growing realization in my head. That after we were done, he would lie his head on my shoulder thinking, this was just like every night we had, not knowing how this night changes everything for me. How he would sleep soundly and I would muffle my sobs because the truth was blinding.

_He wasn't meant for me._

It wasn't that hard to connect the dots after that. Haruki was my soulmate and it's as if the world was working out its plans for us, we formed a band not long after. I can see Haruki anxious to ask me if anything has changed, it would have been simple for me to say yes, I can see colors now and we would have lived life like everyone did, happy and contented. Complete and loved. But everytime he finds the perfect timing, I leave, I make some lame excuse and I go out. I come home to wavy dark brown hair and light brown eyes. I still came home to this apartment where the sun never touches and to the man that the world didn't choose for me. 

I told myself not now, not yet. I'd hold Ugetsu tight and he would laugh at me oblivious. I don't want to give him up now, not yet, we still got time, Haruki can wait, I'm not ready to face a happy future yet.

It's not like I don't love Haruki, I loved him in time. I loved him like how the sun provides heat on every living creature on earth, warm and gentle.

But I didn't with Ugetsu.

It was never as simple as that.

I know this as sure as air will be there for us to breath. I have seen him in my black and white future, in the millions of dreams I had. I loved him as certain as dark things are to be loved with blazing passion, between the shadow and the soul. 

I remember in the past he would constantly tell me that I shouldn't fall in love with him because he would destroy me in the most beautiful way possible. He would take me to museums and parks, he'd kiss me in every place he would take me so I can't go back to them without tasting him like blood in my mouth. I told him he shouldn't be worried, I knew what this was and I knew that this was lust. I was confident I wouldn't wake up and realize his smile was beautiful, because it has always been like that. That his laughter was music in itself, because it was and that his words were poetry because it is. The second I tried to reassure myself that I wasn't in love was the moment I realized I was. 

So I set out for revenge, I'd make him fall in love with me I said, I'll be the one he didn't see coming. The one who gets under his skin. Who makes him unsteady and question everything he ever believed in love. I want to be the one to make him feel reckless and out of control. The one he infuriatingly and inexplicably drawn to. I don't want to be the one to tuck him into bed like his other lovers, I want to be the reason he cannot sleep at night. 

But it was different now.

These was the things on my mind as I walk back to Haruki's apartment, climbing the stairs to his door. I know he's home, I know I abandoned the band as soon as I ran to catch up to Ugetsu. So I took a deep breath and knocked, I was ready now, I was ready for the future, the future I wasn't given when I first brush hands with Ugetsu.

*

"You're not the first thing in my life I'ved loved and lost"

I said furiously, it's been a week after Aki broke up with me. I threw another glass on the wall, it has been the fifth time. The shards have been piling up on the floor but I didn't care, it doesn't matter, I don't even know if the liquid on my hands was blood or wine, how would I know? There all black and white.

_Black and White_

It never bothered me before that all I saw was that. The first time that I listened to music in my old man's radio, when I was able to make sense what I was hearing, I promised I would be good at it, and as being a genius came second nature to me, it wasn't surprising I turned out to be a prodigy. Violin was my choice. So seeing black and white never mattered to me as long as I had my music.

But the world was rarely contented, it makes plans not considering your circumstances. I was happy at the top, I was the best at what I do, no one came close to unsettling me until Akihiko Kaji came along.

He was standing there, outside a classroom as I was practicing. He looked at me with so much passion and resentment, with so much pity and envy but I continued playing my music, allowing my emotions to override what was stirring up between the two of us and as soon as I played the last note, he came rushing to hug me. I was hesitant then, and I held him a few seconds late, not knowing how everything will go tumbling down to pieces.

I loved him then, I love him to death, I told Mafuyu. It wasn't a sudden realization it was a painful one. We slowly fell in love and as soon as we were brave enough to admit it, it also took all the courage to realize we were on borrowed time. That someday we would have to say goodbye, that no matter how much we touch each other in anyway a human can possibly touch another, we would still open our eyes to the same dull colors we have always lived seeing. 

I grew frustrated and hurt, cursed the world because of its selfishness. I knew we love and hate each other. I was unapologetic at being a genius and Akihiko was passionate about his music. The feelings we have for each other are both maddening in its intensity it can't be from God. It has to be borrowed from a deep, dark place and it won't come up without asking something back. And this is the what it cost, a world that remained black and white.

It doesn't matter I said, music is what I have, so music is what I would give.

"What are you doing?", Aki asked me years ago.

"I'm composing music"

"For who?"

"For you"

I took my violin and begin to play again, I told him I named it 'Apollo to Icarus' and recite the Greek myth about a boy who flew too close to the sun. He hated it, asked me why. I told him because he was Icarus and he would do anything to reach the sun, he grew silent then and I continued playing, not realizing it was the other way around.

I'll be unable to become free with my music as long as Akihiko is with me and I love music more than I could ever love anything. It's the constant choice I have to make, I had made my decision once, choosing music and letting go of Akihiko but then we came back on circles because he can't let go and now he finally did.

I got up and took my violin, positioned myself as I have done a thousand times and started playing our symphony.

_How could I have mistaken that Akihiko was Icarus and I was the sun?_

Every emotion he had given me is heightened tenfold, his fingertips leaving burnt marks on my skin. I finally realized, this is what it's like to burn. So be it, it's how I have loved him anyway, with my body aching and shuddering, empty hands over my own ashes counting out our remaining minutes.

*

_"Love is awful, its awful. It's painful, it's frightening. It makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself, distance yourself from the other people in your life. It makes you selfish, it makes you creepy, makes you obsessed with your hair, makes you cruel, makes you do things you never thought you would do. It's all any of us want, and it's hell when we get there. So no wonder it's something we don't want to do on our own."_

The priest once said in a series I watched. Funny, I remembered it now of all times, two days after I moved out of Haruki's apartment and a week after I broke up with Ugetsu. I thought I made my choice then when I left him on the street, I thought the colors wouldn't be so blinding and irritating once I have accepted what the world wants for me. Haruki has always made things easy for me and I wouldn't be a fool to give my heart to him, I'm finally allowing myself to have a chance to see the miracle of being loved rightly. 

Things have calmed down and the images I see are welcoming until I close my eyes at night, when dark brown hair and pale skin haunts me, light brown eyes and long curly lashes stare at me, filling me up and leaving me breathless. The sunlight shines on my face and I find it disturbing. The sun never shines on Ugetsu's flat, it can't beam on us and tell us to wake up, it can't dictate what we should be doing, it can't tell us who we should love. No wonder I find it soothing when I was in his flat, that in there where the sun never reaches we could continue loving each other, neglecting what the world wants, neglecting what the world demands. 

Haruki was the best choice the better choice but I know deep in the meat of my heart I didn't want better, I wanted Ugetsu.

I was all kinds of stubborn and even I would not make the world decide for me. It has always been music or Ugetsu but now, it's going to be music AND Ugetsu. I don't need my eyes to constantly tell me I have picked the wrong choice, I don't need it to make music I love so much. So there was only one logical solution left . . . . 

I picked up the scissors on my kitchen table.

Maybe someday Ugetsu would meet the one who brings color into his life, maybe he would face the choices I was making right now. But I would die before I see it happen, I was never good at seeing him walk away from me, that's why I never really left when we broke up. The colors were beautiful and a sight to behold but I'd like the last thing etch into my memory is wavy dark brown hair, milky pale skin and light brown eyes. I'll be making this choice for the both of us, I choose to be selfish, I choose to be this monster. 

_Ugetsu, come pick me up_

I texted him, and my hands were shaking. I stilled my nerves for what I'm about to do.

_I wish music alone could remain_

Mafuyu told me that was what Ugetsu wanted when I wouldn't come home. And that is what I would give him. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the music he composed for us.

_Apollo to Icarus_

I was silent when he said I was Icarus, he got it wrong. I was the sun, I was Apollo and I would have encourage him to fly closer so we could be together even if it means burning him a million times. 

Because when the world asked me to pick my poison,

I choose him

**Author's Note:**

> *Icarus is the son of old master craftsman Daedalus, the creator of the Labyrinth. His father created wings for them made from feathers and wax in order to escape from the imprisonment of King Minos of Crete. When they attempted escape, Icarus being young, flew so close to the sun despite his father warning him not to. This cause his wings to melt and he fell and drowned on the Aegean Sea.
> 
> *Apollo is the god of the sun and light, or also known as the one who rides the sun chariot. He is also the god of archery, music, dance, truth, prophecy, healing and diseases.
> 
> ***thank you Rick Riordan for the endless Greek mythology knowledge 
> 
> Credits to Lang Leav, I borrowed a few of her poetry for this. If you have time please support her books. Also, the show Aki was referring to is Fleabag season 2, it was said by the priest (portrayed by Andrew Scott).
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are welcome :)
> 
> Chat me up in [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pseftisincertus)


End file.
